Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
