On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
third nipple confirmed
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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