apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
