for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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