I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
