I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
