end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
