I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
