So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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