a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize