if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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