I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
