Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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