I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
