I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
