You're my little dorito
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
