Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
