i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
