Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
