just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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