It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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