my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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