I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
