I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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