before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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