I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
