i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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