He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
