I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
