he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
