I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
where are you?
Hypothermia
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
