Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize