So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
