i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
