Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I forget how to act sober
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize