I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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