i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
