He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
