Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize