He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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