Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
