He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
