She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
