so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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