I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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