he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She bit a glass in half.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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