My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
