my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
