My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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