what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
