Umm I'm too high to move.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I am midnight drunk by noon
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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