I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
