I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
