i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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