For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
