I think my vagina is haunted
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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