Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
