My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
