so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
