my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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