On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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