How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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