so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
