My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
