I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i've created a new STD.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
