so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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