Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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